Most children are exposed to parental disagreement on almost a daily basis: Poorly resolved parental conflict is an important factor in mental health outcomes. We should take seriously the risks posed by widespread, poor resolution of disputes among parents. They can expend their energies elsewhere. The children don’t need to worry that their family system will be disrupted. This might even have a boosting effect on children – they see that their parents can work out differences so they feel that their family is safe and secure. Perhaps they touch each other gently while talking, maybe even use kindly humor with one another.
When parents have differences, they can talk calmly together and focus on solving the problem. In contrast, children’s mental health can benefit when parents behave constructively around their conflicts. Constructive conflict can benefit children They also recognize when conflict has been resolved, even if they haven’t witnessed the resolution. They can tell if there is tension they don’t have to witness it. Children are highly tuned to their families’ emotional climate. It is a mistake to believe that children are unaware when parental battles happen behind closed doors. Such focus can be exhausting emotionally for a child. This can make them prone to spotting conflict where there is none or where the typical person might ignore what’s going on.
They can become hypervigilant, tracking signs for a conflict breaking out. But studies since the 1980s have demonstrated the opposite: Amid chronic marital conflict, children may become increasingly sensitive to the episodes. Early thinking suggested that if parents bickered a lot, children would get used to it and become desensitized. They compound and accumulate, stacking up and eroding relationships. Small conflicts may remain unresolved for lengthy periods, festering, creating tension, and harming children’s mental health.ĭamage is done not by a single or even a few instances, but by chronic interactions of these kinds. Friction can be caused by one parent pursuing the dispute through continual nagging and the other parent withdrawing. Some couples focus their attention not on collaborating or solving the problem, but on insults, verbal anger, or non-verbal expressions of anger. How parents tackle such apparently minor (and major) differences matters to children’s mental health. “It’s about how parents tackle commonplace, sometimes tiny disagreements that are natural, inevitable occurrences in any intimate relationship.” Smoldering battles lead to hypervigilance Eventually, they acknowledged that for nearly three decades, they had disagreed about whether the peanut butter should be kept in the pantry or the refrigerator. A couple from one of our studies was adamant that they had never had a conflict in 27 years of marriage. Many parents don’t see eye to eye on issues related to work-life balance – they may argue about who is spending enough time on child care. It’s about how parents tackle commonplace, sometimes tiny disagreements that all couples can expect to have – conflicts that are natural, inevitable occurrences in any intimate relationship.Ī disagreement might be about politics. Most people recognize that engaging in yelling matches, throwing things, and acting in ways that are physically aggressive are unhealthy conflict behaviors that can harm children’s development. Reducing this type of chronic interparental conflict and tension helps children feel the emotional security they need for robust mental health – not only when they are young but also as adults. And such behavior may help explain enduring mental health problems for many children, including depression, anxiety, poor sleep, and aggressive behavior. Low-level, poorly resolved conflict between parents – bickering, giving the cold shoulder, eye-rolling – can seem inconsequential. Parental conflict is common in many families, and childhood depression, anxiety, and aggression may be the outcome.
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